You asked: I want to set up own business but need more confidence. Any tips for me?
Suzy says: Write a very detailed vision of what your new business would look like. Do you work from home or in an office? Who are your ideal colleagues? Are you creating a global empire or a cottage industry? Work on your vision until you get so excited you know exactly the kind of business you really, really want. With passion in your belly, confidence will ooze from every pore. Do whatever you have to do to build a 6 months financial reserve so you have the cash to cushion your move. Then write a step by step action plan you would need to transition from your current job through to setting up your business. Remember the actress Katharine Hepburn’s words: “Life is to be lived. If you have to support yourself, you had bloody well better find a way that is going to be interesting.”
You asked: I have a lack of motivation and have been depressed for a long time. HELP.
Suzy says: It can be hard getting yourself out of rut, especially if you’ve been feeling low. Do check in with the Doctor to make sure you can check out any physical problems that can be causing your depression.
And perhaps ask about a therapy called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy – which is based on a new pioneering science called ‘neuroplasticity’, which revealing that the brain can change its wiring and its childhood emotional and even genetic ‘programming’, and can alter its actual physical circuitry, if we think different thoughts and take different actions.
Whereas old scientific theory said you were stuck with the brain you were born with, this new science of neuroplasticity (it literally means the plastic brain) has found our brains are like gardens, and our neural pathways blossom the more time we spend tending them – be it practising a violin, which expands the part of the brain that controls the fingers, or boosting your motivation by thinking thoughts in a different way.
The best place to start boosting your motivation is to identify the thoughts and beliefs currently running your brain. Do you believe that life is wonderful, that you will always be OK, that you deserve only the best and that life is easy? Or do you believe that you’ll never make it because you’re not good enough, in fact you’re actually pretty worthless – oh and you’re stupid, too?
What is your reality? What do you believe to be true about yourself and your life? The good and bad news (depending on what you believe) is that you’re right. Because whatever you believe, you’re right. What you focus on expands.
Start by identifying your current beliefs and thoughts. Observe your thoughts as if they were ‘bubbles’ floating through your mind. What are the thoughts that dominate your mind? Being able to observe your thoughts instead of being in them is a very powerful exercise.
Neuro-psychiatrist Jeffrey Schwartz of the University of California, Los Angeles launched a behaviour-therapy group to study and treat Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Patients with OCD show an unusually high activity in the part of the brain that triggers fear reactions. Schwartz, a practising Buddhist, became intrigued with the therapeutic practice of mindfulness – where you stand outside your own mind, observing the spontaneous thoughts and feelings the brain spews out, observing this as if it were happening to someone else.
Working with 18 OCD patients, who had moderate to severe symptoms, Schwartz would show them scans of their brains over-reacting fearfully on an MRI scan. Over 10 weeks of therapy, Schwartz taught his patients to use mindfulness to focus on the new thought that their compulsions were not actually ‘them’, but misfiring brain circuitry.
The patients came to understand that they didn’t need to wash their hands obsessively but were instead just witnessing the arrival of an obsessive thought. Out of 18 patients, 12 improved significantly and stopped their old behaviours.
So just observing your thoughts has the power to change your behaviour. However, if you want to start creating a new neural pathway, you need to start creating a new motivating thought or belief to start blossoming in your brain (and life). Ask yourself – what would you have to believe to feel motivated? E.g. No matter what I will handle it/I am about to learn something really valuable/I can be motivated in all situations.
Again, scientists have found that this kind of brain training therapy (called Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can work just as well as anti-depressants. Training a patient to replace negative thoughts and ‘catastrophic’ thinking to more helpful, positive thinking resulted in patients not spiralling into negative thoughts and depression. For example, ‘a lousy date means I’m a failure as a human being’ would be changed to ‘my lousy date was just one of those things that didn’t work out.’
So create a new motivating brain-training regime – be it post-its on the bathroom mirrors or chanting affirmations after you brush your teeth or experimenting for 24 hours with ‘acting as if’ a new positive belief is true – be like an actor and walk, talk and speak as if you are confident. Notice how it feels and what you do differently. Sometimes it’s easier to act your way into new way of thinking.
Whatever approach you decide works for you (maybe try all of them?), commit to training your brain for motivation in life, love and work. Pull out the weeds of negative thoughts and start growing a blossoming garden in your brain today.
You asked: I’ve tried most diets but they don’t seem to work. Do you have any advice please?
Suzy says: The best weight-loss book and programme I’ve ever found that works for my clients – and me – is The 4 Day Win (Piatkus, £10.99)s) written by Oprah’s life coach Martha Beck. She promises to change the way we think about food in just 4 days. Beck encourages us not to train our body but rather re-train our thinking. In a series of 4 day programmes you get to tackle the root of your eating issues, before you then go on to change your eating habits.
Her main piece of advice is stop depriving yourself immediately! As soon as you start thinking of giving up cake, all you’ll think about is eating cake. Depriving yourself just doesn’t work, says Beck. Overeating is a self-calming behaviour that is often triggered by threat. (Deprivation counts as a threat, says Beck. Even just thinking about going on a diet can trigger a fear response, she says.) So the first thing we need to do is find a way to calm ourselves so our instinctual fear response is switched off. Try this. Choose a time when you’re not hungry and find a place where you can be physically and psychological comfortable and where no one can see you (apparently it keeps our inner animal calm) and deep breathe for 10 minutes. On the out breath repeat, ‘everything is OK’ or another calming phrase. If you felt stressed as you started this exercise, notice the taste in your mouth (stress hormones make your saliva taste bitter). “This is the foundation for every other weight-loss strategy,” says Beck, “since fight or flight response is what knocks us out of our rational intentions and goads us into overeating against our better judgement,” says Beck. Repeat this 4-day programme until you can relax at will.
You asked: How could I lose weight gradually? I have 2 children and can’t get rid of my baby fat.
Suzy says: Change WHO you are as well as WHAT you do. When you change behaviour you usually just change what you’re doing – if you want to be thinner, you’ll stop eating cake and start going swimming on Monday. Try a different approach and ask yourself - WHO do you want to become? (E.g. I am someone who takes care of my body at such a luxurious level that I feel pampered) Ask yourself what actions would this person take? If you want to be become a person who has enormous amounts of energy – what would you eat, how would you deal with stress, how would you get up each morning? The focus is on creating a new identity for yourself versus simply trying to change what you’re doing. Be patient as it can take a while for the results to show up but the changes are usually permanent.
You asked: Is there a serotonin supplement I can purchase at health shops?
Suzy says: I don’t know if you can purchase a serotonin supplement at a health shop but if you are trying to boost your mood, I suggest you try these techniques first. William Bloom, one of Britain’s top holistic teachers and author of The Endorphin Effect (Piatkus, £14.99) studied and taught meditation for years but was thrown when people in his meditation classes said they felt just as good stroking their cat (riding their motorbike/going for a lovely walk) as they did meditating.
This led Bloom to research what is now known as the ‘endorphin effect’ – that flood of natural feel-good hormones that relax you, anaesthetise pain and are responsible for a feeling of well-being. Bloom’s research showed that are five ways you can trigger these endorphins – without meditating – to feel good instantly, no matter what is going on in your life:
1. Think about someone you like or do something you like. (Make a list of things you genuinely enjoy and do more of them – this will naturally trigger a flood of endorphins)
2. Making napping your greatest skill. Or at least allow your body to slump and your body language to sink into napping body language. A 3-4 minute slump will release that flood of feel-good hormones.
3. 20 minutes of movement – it doesn’t have to be aerobic but any sustained movement for 20 minutes or more will release endorphins.
4. Connect with nature - be it staring at a blade of grass or going for a walk in the woods. This is proven to release endorphins into the body.
5. Monitor how your body feels and give it a break – treat it as you would a hurt animal or child and gentle relax , and think loving, kind thoughts about your poor, old body. Apparently, every time we do this, endorphins flood to the rescue.
www.williambloom.com
You asked: How do you convince someone who thrives on hypochondria to think themselves better?
Suzy says: Hypochondria is a behaviour I call a ‘scam’ – essentially the systems we created to get what we needed in childhood – usually attention and love from our parents and peers. But while it might have been cute to have a tantrum when you’re three, it probably doesn’t serve you well to be indulging in the same behaviour when you’re 33.
The great news is you can ‘bust’ your scams and find healthier ways to get your emotional needs met.
The most challenging step is to actually admit that you have a scam. So the big step is to come out of denial. Ask yourself – What’s your scam? When you're in full scam mode, what sort of things do you find yourself saying and doing? (‘It’s not perfect yet’(the perfectionist scam)/’and then he told me he was a woman’ (the drama queen scam)/’I think I’ve got a brain tumour’ hypochondria scam.)
Be very honest. What are the pay-offs for this behaviour? E.g. You get lots of attention, you get to be right, you’re never bored? But what is it costing you? Your health, your wealth, sanity?
So finally, let’s get down to the nitty gritty. Answer me this. What do you really need and want? If I could wave a magical wand and give you three wishes that would mean you could create your ideal life, what would they be? (e.g. Lots of money? A loving partner? Your own private jet?) Next, ask yourself what will these things get you? (E.g. Financial security? Love and adoration? Freedom? Privacy?)
Once you’re aware of why you do what you do – and what you need emotionally – create a 21 day project that aims to get you what you really need and want but in healthier ways. E.g. if you want attention from family and friends, organise and cook at a dinner party so you are the centre of attention or ask your partner on a date etc etc.
However in your question, you suggest the hypochondriac is not you but someone you know. You cannot bust someone else’s scam. They have to want to change or be willing to see their self defeating behaviour.
The best thing you can do is not collude with the scam. People often only give up their scam when it is no longer working for them.
